Everyone faces some kind of criticism, and it is simply a part of life that we manage and respond to as we continue on our journey.
In the workplace, feedback is essential to building a successful, engaged, and efficient team — according to Harvard Business Review, over 92% of 899 surveyed employees agreed that regular feedback, even negative feedback, is an effective tool for improving performance and engaging. Yet while becoming a critical feedback recipient is inevitable, but not all types of criticism are helpful, useful, or respectful.
In my last blog post, I talked about constructive criticism and how to create a positive feedback culture in the workplace where feedback is given with good intentions of improvement, respect, professionalism and kindness.
Today, I want to highlight how while constructive criticism focuses on growth and progress, destructive criticism is often harsh and damaging. It can leave us feeling defeated, uncertain of ourselves, and negatively impact our job performance, professional development, and even our self worth.
Worse yet, if destructive criticism is frequent and commonplace, it can be a sign of a very toxic environment that pervades the company culture.
We can do our best to create positive change and practice constructive criticism skills when we give feedback, but learning to navigate being the recipient of destructive criticism is itself an important skill if we hope to have a fighting chance of making a real difference. Destructive criticism doesn’t have to break us, and by learning to handle it in healthy, resilient way, you unlock the power to turn these negative emotions and experiences into opportunities for growth and healing.
Understanding Criticism
Definition and characteristics of constructive and destructive criticism
At their most basic levels, constructive criticism aims to improve and provide guidance, while destructive criticism is negative and hurtful. They can both be informally given or formally communicated during meetings or annual performance reviews. Constructive criticism focuses on specific behaviors or actions and not the person (aka, “I think your work could use more attention to detail” vs. “You need better attention to detail”), while destructive criticism can often involve personal attacks. Destructive feedback can also be disguised as constructive criticism, but its intent is to harm or belittle. The confusion can sometimes arise from the idea that negative criticism has to be harsh or destructive, when in fact, negative criticism given correctly can often come across as empowering and helpful. A negative remark on employee performance does not have to involve a personal attack or derogatory language, for example.Differences between constructive and destructive criticism
Constructive criticism is:- Specific
- Timely
- Actionable
- Geared towards offering potential solutions
- Given without passing judgment
- Given with non-aggressive body language
- Intended to help the person improve
- General
- Vague
- Hurtful
- Sometimes given during an emotional outburst
- Given with language that tears down the person often through using derogatory language, deeply offensive character remarks, or a careless comment
Examples of destructive criticism in personal and professional settings
- Personal attacks, such as “You’re so lazy and irresponsible.”
- Negative remarks, such as “This is the worst work I’ve ever seen.”
- Unintentional destructive criticism, such as “I’m just trying to help, but you’re not listening.”
- Non-specific complaints: “Everything you do is wrong. You always mess things up.”
- Emotionally charged comments: “I can’t believe how stupid you are for making that mistake.”
- Toxic behavior such as bullying.
Recognizing Destructive Criticism
Signs that you’re receiving destructive criticism
The previous examples I gave are very obvious and clearly representative of destructive criticism as opposed to constructive criticism, but unfortunately, when we are on the receiving end of destructive criticism on a consistent basis, it becomes hard to tease apart what is normal and what is not. In other words, when all we know is constant negativity, we sometimes lose awareness of the deeply toxic environment around us. That’s why in order to recognize destructive criticism, we need to look critically at the signs.Common signs of destructive criticism:
- The criticism is personal and attacks your character or abilities.
- The criticism is vague and lacks specific examples or feedback.
- The criticism is delivered in a condescending or aggressive tone.
- The criticism is given during a moment of stress or anger.
- The criticism only tells you what you are doing wrong, and not how to make it right.
- The criticism leaves you with low self esteem that impacts your ability to do your job.
- The person giving the criticism is someone with whom you’ve had personal issues that extend outside of the workplace.
Common phrases used in destructive criticism
- “You’re not good enough.”
- “This is terrible work.”
- “You’re so stupid for not understanding this.”
- “You’re incompetent.”
- “You need to listen better.”
- “People newer than you are doing better at this job.”
- “You’re not cut out for this, at all.”
Receiving and Responding to Destructive Criticism
Initial reactions to destructive criticism: shock, denial, anger
It’s perfectly normal to feel shocked, denied, or angry when receiving destructive criticism from anyone, and especially so in the workplace. Our work is where we spend a good deal of time, and it’s easier said than done to try to not let emotions from work bleed into our personal lives. However, the impact of abusive workplace behavior such as consistent destructive feedback can harm us mentally and emotionally, often in ways that are difficult to notice. It is important that in the initial moments when you receive destructive criticism to not let a single comment or behavior shift you into negative thought patterns that you take home with you. Take a moment to process your emotions and how you feel in the face of negative comments given in a destructive manner — whatever you feel is valid. Focus on responding thoughtfully in the moment, and avoid reacting impulsively or defensively; remember, someone choosing to give destructive criticism says more about them than it does about anything you are doing.Strategies for remaining calm and composed
During and after hearing a destructive comment, rely on your mindfulness tools and focus on what you are feeling.Common strategies I recommend include:
- Take a deep breath and count to ten.
- Step away from the situation and take a break.
- Keep positive affirmations on hand when you need them.
- Think about the person giving feedback and notice if they are responding out of an emotional outburst.
- Stay grounded through mindfulness by focusing on the current moment.
How to communicate effectively with the critic
- Listen actively and try to understand their perspective. If they are generally a good team member or leader, they may simply be speaking out of frustration.
- Ask questions and seek clarification.
- Respond thoughtfully and avoid being defensive. Staying calm has a chilling effect on conflict, and can often de-escalate a situation before it begins.
- Focus on what you can control. You can’t control another person and make them take back their hurtful comments, but you can control how you respond to destructive criticism.
Building Resilience and Confidence
Building resilience and developing a growth mindset
Resilience all begins with a mindset. This mindset allows us to adopt a new perspective and reappraise what may seem like a negative experience into an opportunity to learn and practice confidence in the face of setbacks. A growth mindset is particularly important for bouncing back from destructive criticism, as it allows us to reframe the moment as a chance to grow and improve. This doesn’t mean we act on the criticism (destructive criticism often has no helpful information), but rather, we improve our ability to respond to destructive criticism and gain better de-escalation skills, communication skills, or confidence in our choices. For instance, after receiving a particularly harsh comment from a superior, ask yourself, “What is there to learn from this?” The lesson here could be simple such as the importance of emotional intelligence in handling these kinds of interactions, or more complex such as igniting a choice to leave the company for a healthier work environment.Conclusion
While destructive criticism can be hurtful and demoralizing, it doesn’t have to define you. You are more than one unprofessional comment received from a superior, and your value as a human being is not something anyone else can decide. You can respond to destructive criticism with grace, confidence, and growth, all the values and traits that a leader should demonstrate daily. Ultimately, how you handle criticism says more about your character than the criticism itself—choose resilience, choose growth.The post Navigating the Pain: How to Handle Destructive Criticism – Receiving Feedback That Hurts appeared first on Dr. Magie Cook | Motivational Latina Speaker | LGBTQ.